A Few of My Favorite Newspaper Headlines

What with the markets melting down – again – it seems like a little levity is in order.

 

And you wondered why our local governments seem to be incapable of controlling costs?

Idiocy of government

Idiocy of government

 

How would you like to be the moron who wrote this headline?

Civil War planes?

Civil War planes?

 

An example of military “intelligence”.

military intelligence at it's best

Military intelligence at it's best

 

Really!

caskets found in a mausoleum!

Okay, really!

 

Sadly, this one isn’t far from the truth.

where does the power of  government stop?

Where does the power of government stop?

 

San Diego Woman Shot in Head!

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is blonde, a Democrat, and voted for Obama, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed, and it was determined to be George Bush’s fault.

Krugman Calls for Space Aliens to Fix the Economy

This is an amazing clip. Paul Krugman says that America needs a fake alien invasion to mobilize the economy. Supposedly everything would be back to normal – just like in WWII. It really doesn’t take a Ph.D. in economics to see through this B.S. In fact, the simpler the Keynesians attempt to make their argument, the worse it actually sounds. They should just continue mumbling economics jargon in order to confuse the public. That tactic has worked pretty well thus far.

Of course, Krugman needs a fake alien invasion because this logic doesn’t make sense. Why not just convince the Japanese to meet us in the Pacific, and we can blow up each other’s ships to save the economy? This time, we can even get everyone off them first. Won’t that revive the economy as well? According to Krugmanites, it would; but no sane person would follow this self-evident stupidity of this idea. Hence the necessity for space aliens. Perhaps Krugman should give Dennis Kucinich a call.

Hello Operator

Today for your amusement we offer “Hello, Operator”:   Actual call-center conversations…

Customer: I’ve been calling 700-1000 for two days and can’t get through; can you help?
Operator: Where did you get that number, sir?
Customer: It’s on the door of your business.
Operator: Sir, those are the hours that we are open.

Samsung Electronics:
Caller: Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?
Operator: I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand who you are talking about.
Caller: On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?
Operator: I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.

RAC Motoring Services:
Caller: Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?
Operator: Does the policy name give you a clue?

Directory Inquiries:
Caller: I’d like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please.
Operator: I’m sorry, there’s no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?
Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the “B” fell off.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: Woven? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That’s what it says on the label: Woven in Scotland.

Tech Support: I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.
Customer: OK.
Tech Support: Did you get a pop-up menu?
Customer: No.
Tech Support: OK. Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?
Customer: No.
Tech Support: OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?
Customer: Sure. You told me to write “click” and I wrote “click.”

Customer DisserviceOperator: Computer assistance; may I help you?
Caller: Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.
Operator: What sort of trouble?
Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Operator: Went away?
Caller: They disappeared.
Operator: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Caller: Nothing.
Operator: Nothing?
Caller: It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.
Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Caller: How do I tell?
Operator: Can you see the “c:” prompt on the screen?
Caller: What’s a sea prompt?
Operator: Never mind; can you move your cursor around the screen?
Caller: There isn’t any cursor; I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.
Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Caller: What’s a monitor?
Operator: It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?
Caller: I don’t know.
Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Caller: Yes, I think so.
Opera tor: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller: Yes, it is.
Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
Caller: No.
Operator: Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Caller: Okay, here it is.
Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.
Caller: I can’t reach.
Operator: OK. Well, can you see if it is?
Caller: No.
Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Caller: Well, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.
Operator: Dark?
Caller: Yes- the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.
Caller: I can’t.
Operator: Why not?
Caller: Because there’s a power failure.
Operator: A power…. A power failure? Aha. Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?
Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Operator: Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Caller: Really? Is it that bad?
Operator: Yes, I’m afraid it is.
Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Operator: Tell them you’re too damned stupid to own a computer